It's hard stepping out about something like having an eating disorder.

Especially being that I'm a guy. When I was younger I was injured and couldn't be active for a whole year I was about age 13 and I was 200+lbs and I was happy how I was. But it was because I never realized how fat I was. My brother was also larger at the time and remains large now. He was sent to the doctor because of his weight and I went with him just to be there. The doctor basically called him fat and said that he needed to lose weight or suffer from multiple diseases such as heart disease, obesity, diabetes..etc.

I looked to my mom and the doctor and asked..well I'm not really that fat am I, at the time I had no comprehension but now I realize how large I was while looking back at pictures. I went home and was determined to change myself. I went on weightwatchers and lost quite a bit of weight. I got down in the 170s or so and then the 150s..it was coming off like crazy. At the time I was a freshman I began to get into sports. When I was real young I was very active and was very athletic but not so much after the injury occured, so I picked sports back up again. I couldn't run an 8 minute mile to get on the basketball team so I began a manager and got made fun of. I fought back with remarks of joining the cross country team and the track team. They all laughed and said it wasn't possible. A select few people believed in me. I realized that there was relation in the fact that I could stop eating and lose weight and become faster. I became quite fast and by sophomore year was the #1 miler and #1 cross country runner. To the day of my graduation I remained the #1 in both sports. During my Junior year however my Anorexia became very severe. People around me such as my running coach began to worry about my eating habits but I was always good and still am good about covering it up. This past season I dropped down to the 130s then I dropped into the 120s and I am currently down to 118..my lowest came during swimming season at 115. I'm a runner year round and was also on the swim team as a diver. Two of the girl divers took notice of my "thin frame."

I disregarded their talking about it behind my back. I knew they were but didn't say anything. I started getting really sick and still have a weak immune system because of my small state. I am always cold, I have hypoglycemia, I suffer from OCD, Depression, and I have had three seizures in the past year. I went to my diving friends and told them that I did in fact have a problem but they promised not to tell anyone. I also told my running coach that I've got eating habit problems. I never admitted to anyone that I was Anorexic besides the diving friends but they swore to never tell anyone. It is really hard stil now that I have just graduated high school to tell anyone and I remain quiet about it. It comes and goes in severity but it often hits strong and as of recently has became a big problem again. And I know it will get worse as I go off to college to run and won't be watched for what I'm eating...I've also started to eat 1 "meal"  and a bowl of cream of wheat a day.  For a while during swimming season I was down to 1 bowl of cream of wheat a day...and I was fighting myself to eat that. I was at about 600 or so calories a day. I often beat myself up over eating anything and always feel guilty after eating. I've only ever talked to my girlfriend and her best friend who was mia and was a cutter. I want to be better but I don't want to gain weight which I know they will make me do if I actually come out on a grand scale but I know I need to. It is really hard day to day but I know with slow steps I can make it. That is the story of my Ana, an ongoing battle with myself and food.

-Anonymous, IN