thats scary like even i dont even know wat i hav become... like a disappointment to my family... or a disgrace to my friends like its pretty sad and knowing we cant do anything about it feels even worse...

what i've become? someone who can't help their friends... someone who makes everyone around them guilty for who i am... someone who is too scared to get out of bed some days... someone who would rather hurt someone than admit that i am the problem... someone who is so paranoid i can't trust myself anymore. god that fucking sucks. but we will be ok because not being ok is something i can't bare thinking about

i have become someone who has been watching life pass by, or has been so concentrated on my own countless problems that i haven't been noticing anything else in life.  i spend everyday just trying to be stable, which has proved to be literally impossible on school days, and on the weekend im so exhausted from the tormenting days of school that i don't have anymore energy left to try and be stable.  i hardly even know what being stable means anymore.  

iv become someone who shies away from family and friends, hating the fact intensely all the time.  i have become  the most misunderstood and probably mysterious son and brother my siblings and parents have ever known.  i am the least confident and most insecure i have ever been in my life.  iv become someone who gets intensely nervous when anyone tries to talk to me, its harder than ever to say things i would actually say. i instead say things i wouldn't say.  i don't understand why i can't seem to enjoy the things i used to enjoy.  it breaks my heart knowing i can't seem to pick up my guitar anymore, listen to my music, draw, read, write... i haven't played one thing, drawn, read, or wrote another thing because this is what i have become.  

i have become someone who is afraid to look into a mirror, or a reflection of some sort, because i know that isn't the person i used to be.  i can barely speak to anyone as it is, but if there is reflecting surface near myself, the situation gets the worse it can get.  my family sees me in a completely different way than they used to, and my friends never see me anymore.  i have become seemingly stranded, strapped within myself.  if i had anymore energy maybe i could try and snap myself out of it.  "be what you want to be!  do what you want to do!".  but it's harder than that.  

my family treats me by what they see, which isn't me.  and i don't have the energy to act myself when im with them.  they treat me as my false disguise lets them, and i feel forced to let them, making it harder and harder each day to be around them.  

iv become someone who makes countless stories inside my head.  i try figuring out everything myself because i can't seem to tell anyone close about what im going through.  i used to try and refer back to what i would have done or how i would have acted back when i wasn't like this.  i end up doing something that feels totally unnatural, only makes things worse.  most of the people i know, or used to know, are so high energy that now i feel threatened when near them.  iv become someone who has learned that punching walls doesn't do anything in the long run, giving me even less outlets for my anger.  iv become someone who feels like a vegetable, trapped in my own mind and emotions.  i have become someone who hasn't laughed since i have become like this, yet i hear my family laughing together while i sit secluded in my room.

this is what i have become.