I love blogs. I think they're just so cool. I especially love mental health blogs. It's great that people are able to share their thoughts on mental health in such a reader-friendly format. Mental Health Minutes is one such blog, and Jennifer Forbes is one such stigma-buster. I recently e-mailed a few questions to her, and her responses were so beautiful and passionate that I decided to post them. Enjoy!
1. What mental illness(es) have you been diagnosed with?
-depression
-chronic anxiety (which I have self-diagnosed as Generalized Anxiety Disorder)
-panic attacks
2. When were you first diagnosed and how?
June 1997 (I was 15 years old) diagnosed with depressive symptoms; December 1997 "anxious all the time" is written in my doctor's notes; by October 1998, at the age of 16, my doctor wrote "multiple symptoms of depression" and offered me medication (SSRIs) which I turned down.
Exactly one year later, at the age of 17 I was sexually assaulted at a party. I was forced into sexual intercourse, to be exact, by someone a couple of years older than me whom I knew from my work at a part-time job (but didn't know too well). The incident left me bruised both physically, mentally, and emotionally. I saw my doctor to had STD testing, but I did not seek at psychologically counselling at the time (which I should have).
Although I was diagnosed at 15, I am quite certain I had anxiety throughout childhood. As I look back on childhood memories, I can remember times where I felt extreme panic that was perhaps abnormal for whatever circumstances were taking place. My mother told me recently that when I was as young as 5 or 6 years old, when I was in first grade, she noticed that I had some anxious behaviour. I would repeatedly ask my first grade teacher if I could be excused to go the the bathroom (I didn't have to actually go). I often had "tummy aches" for no real physical reason, etc. I remember being very worried as a child that people close to me would die, or that we would be hit by a natural disaster or war, etc. I really ruminated about these things, especially when I went to bed at night. So, I didn't sleep well growing up.
3. How has treatment affected your life?
I did not begin treatment until university. I moved to Ottawa about 3 hours away from where I attended high school, Belleville, where my parents still live. Because of this earlier incident, and having moved out only 2 weeks prior to the 9/11 terrorist attacks, I was very nervous being alone in my apartment, especially at night. I also had a roommate that year who had problems with depression, mood swings, and drug experimentation.I started by seeing a psychologist at the age of 20 to talk about the sexual abuse which occurred 3 years earlier and about being alone at night. My roommate at the time was unpredictable/unreliable - a couple of times she took off for a few days without telling me. I ended up moving out after two semesters (or 8 months).
A year later (age 21) I still had problems with anxiety and depression even though I lived with new roommates. I spoke with my psychologist again to deal with some "everyday problems" that I just found too difficult. When you have an anxiety disorder, you tend to worry about everything all the time! I was also dating a "bad guy". He was not mean to me or anything, but he was involved with many illegal things and at the time, I guess I didn't think they were a big deal. It only lasted a couple of months, but it affected me later on. !
About 6 months after I stopped seeing this person and had not really heard from him I began to receive threating voicemails on my cell phone. I had to speak to the police about this, but there was nothing they could really do as he hadn't actually broken the law with what he was doing to me. He was just very intimidating and I was scared. At the time, I was living in yet another apartment (#3 since moving out from my parents). I worked a full-time job for 8 months, during university, and in the latter 4 months I had 2 evening classes (3 hours each) plus I was on the student council and I had a somewhat serious boyfriend. By December things fell apart, I had a horrible panic attack after breaking up with my boyfriend. The anxiety stayed with me through Christmas and into January. Soon it was full-blown 24/7 and I was shaking all the time, completely paranoid to go anywhere, and I fell into a deep, deep depression. This "episode" (I had to use that word) lasted at least 2 months at its most severe, with a minimum one month ramp up before and ramp down after, for a total of 4 months. During this time, I saw my doctor 3 times, and each time she told me I should take anti-depressants (SSRIs). Only on the 3rd visit did I finally give in. I came in crying uncontrollably and I told my doctor that I had suicidal thoughts (but I was never going to act on them). I felt like I had no other choice but to give the medication a try. It took over a month to work in full effect, but was it ever helpful! It just took some time getting used to. When I first started the medication, the side effects of the drug combined with my pre-existing condition, caused me to lose lots of weight, an unhealthy amount. I would bet that I had many symptoms of anorexia for about a month or more, although this was not diagnosed. In addition to the daily anti-depressant, I was also given another one to take at night only when needed to help me sleep. Additionally, I was prescribed an anti-anxiety medication to take when I felt a panic attack coming on. Furthermore, I saw my same psychologist regularly at this time and she was excellent. She helped me talk out my problems, but also explained the cycle of anxiety and how to better control my body's reaction, and to manage my thoughts to prevent them from turning into anxiety. It worked well many times, but some days I felt there was nothing I could do to stop the bad feelings and I would try everything. In the end, it is hope that kept me going. That, and knowing that my family and friends loved me.
I stayed on the medication for about 14 months, until about my 23rd birthday. Thinking I was better, I asked my doctor if I could go off and she allowed me to by tapering down slowly. Boy, was I in for a surprise. I had the most unusual feelings and physical experiences during withdrawal of the medication. I experienced what felt like electric shocks or "zaps" in my head. They were sooo scary and happened to me at work and anywhere really.
I managed to stay off the medication for a couple of months and then my sister underwent surgery for thyroid cancer - and only a couple weeks later - my family dog of 14 years had to be put down. I was a mess. I went on a road trip with my best friend and ended up experiencing strong anxiety symptoms. Fortunately, I had a few anti-anxiety pills which came in handy - but did not solve the problem. When I came home, I saw the doctor and went back on the daily anti-depressant again. It was a hard decision, but I knew I needed to be back on.
That was just over 2 years ago. I am now 25. I have continued the medications, taking the daily anti-depressant and, occasionally, anti-anxiety medication. I rarely need anything to sleep and, in fact, I have been sleeping better this past year than anytime I can remember in my life!
Today, I have very supportive partner/boyfriend and we bought a house together this summer. We also got a dog who is such a wonderful little guy to have around. I am also very close with my family and friends which keeps me going.
4. What made you decide to start a mental health blog?
I want to share my experience and opinions with others who have gone through the same thing, or know someone who is/has, as well as others who don't know a lot about mental illness. I want to inform people and influence positive change.
Deciding to start the blog was easy once I "came out of the mental illness closet", I like to say. Only a month or so before the blog, I engaged in the 2006 Canadian campaign for Mental Illness Awareness Week. My picture and story are featured on the MIAW website.
I find myself really busy at times and I wish I could spend more time on the blog.
5. How do you keep up with the latest mental health news?
Through following the news, hearing word-of-mouth (friends send me links, and from receiving Google Alerts as to what's being posted on other sites.
6. How did you promote your blog?
Link exchanges with other bloggers, business cards, blog search engines/catalogs, etc.
7. Do you consider yourself an advocate, consumer, or both? Why?
Definitely an advocate.
I struggle with words like "consumer", "survivor", etc. Oftentimes, consumer is used to describe those who use the Mental Health System which usually means (I think) having been in the care of a mental health facility. I have never been admitted to a hospital for my mental illness, but I guess I am a consumer of sorts, since I do "consume medication" and have a diagnosis. Again, I just don't like the term. Some people also use the word survivor. It's better, but still a little weird. It sort of sounds like "having a close call with death" and surviving, which I guess is the case for many people with mental illness who experience suicidal ideation. However, I find it to be another strange term. A third term I hear is "recoverer" which is better still, but also a bit ambiguous. Yes, I have recovered from mental illness, but I do take medication for it, medication that if I stopped, I would very likely get sick again! Even though I have recovered, in a sense, I still have some bad days/times so I can't say that recovery is a black and white thing.
My favourite term is "living with mental illness" or "having lived with mental illness". It's a little long, and so not as snappy as one-word terms, but I find it to be the best one. To fully answer your question, "I am a mental health advocate who has lived with mental illness". This doesn't mean I don't still live with it, but so far, this is the best description I have come up with.
8. What caused you to "step out of the silence" and reach out?
The MIAW campaign. I was interested in doing it and my partner encouraged me to go ahead with it. Stepping out of the silence, for me, means taking control of my mental illness and not letting it control me. Reaching out, for me, is teaching others how to do the same thing and, by helping others, it also helps me with my own recovery.
9. How has having a mental illness affected your outlook on life?
This is an excellent question and one that is hard to answer since I have never tried to put it into words.
In the past, mental illness sucked the life out of me. I was so sick that I did not want to die, but at the same time, I did not want to live with mental illness. Fortunately, I kept hope alive and found the help I needed. Mental illness changed me. But, ironically, in many ways it changed me for the better. I do not take life for granted. My outlook on life is that I now have a specific purpose - to help others. I like to do whatever I can to help others with mental illness so that they can become healthy again.
I don't think my mental illness with every "be cured" or go away 100%. That's okay, because it challenges me to take care of myself and to help others.